How to ruin your life: Let your mental illness win

This time my depression was triggered by learning that my grandma died. It doesn’t always have a trigger so I guess you can say I’m lucky this time because I know why it started. I am currently volunteering abroad so not only can I not see my family for a long time but I also cannot take a day off of my work. I mean, I technically can, but that means admitting weakness to those around me. It means letting them in enough to see that I am struggling and I am not comfortable with that idea.

But back to my depression. After I found out my grandma died I didn’t know exactly how to feel. I knew she would die soon, the curse of old age and all, so I have been mentally preparing. So I was sad but also relieved for her. But as the days have gone on I’ve felt that familiar feeling starting to take over. It starts small where my day just doesn’t seem great. Not that my day was bad just that it didn’t really matter because I didn’t feel much at all. Then I start to wake up in a numb mood. I know that I should feel something, even a negative feeling but instead it’s nothing. Nothing around me really matters. In fact the only thing that does matter is making sure no one notices that I do not feel normal.

I have to keep this facade up, trying desperately to remember what it feels like to feel. Then to recreate it with my every movement. One wrong twitch of the face and someone will start berating me with the same old never ending questions about how I’m feeling. I don’t want that.

But I’m also exhausted. Exhausted of life. Because as I’m pretending to feel my numbness fades. It only fades enough to let the despair in. Every time I have ever felt this way comes rushing back. All of a sudden I missy ex, the one who I swear I was over and happier without. My mind is playing tricks on me and telling me that if he was here I wouldn’t feel this way. If I had the love of someone else I would be fine. But I am all alone and all I can feel is the negative. And it is like I have always been this way. I switched so quickly back into this depressed state that maybe I never left it.

Luckily I’ve done this before and I know that’s not true. I know my mind is playing tricks on me. But I am exhausted. If only I can just sleep, then maybe I can sleep this off. Wave goodbye to the depression away in my dreams. Just like a cold, I need some time to rest and then I will be okay.

I keep attempting to use the tiny bit of energy I have left to tell myself no. I cannot sleep this away. That is the trick of depression, one of them at least. It tells me I need sleep and I’ll feel better but it’s a trap. I’ve gone down this road before and I know that if I stay home one day then it’s easier to stay home another and then a whole week. Because I just need “a little rest” to feel better. But soon I will be stuck to my bed fading in and out of numbness to pure sadness.

Depression is a trap. A bully of the brain. Telling me lies. And it happens within what seems like seconds.

How to Ruin Your Romantic Life: Stay with the person who doesn’t care if you finish

I cannot tell you how many men I have been with who really do not seem to care if I finish during sex. Either they think they are sex gods and have made me cum right away so don’t need to take any extra time for me, or they really just do not care as long as they get off.

Let’s talk about my most recent hookup where the guy did not care. First, he told me if didn’t like foreplay. Now I understand to each their own and whatnot but I need a little foreplay so at least show me some love. I would do my best to get some foreplay without demanding it. I’d blow him for a good while and then instead of reciprocating he would just grab a condom and want me to start on top. EXCUSE ME! Just because I am wet does not mean I am ready to go.

*side note but not asking for what you want, in sex or other life, is another prime way to ruin your life*

This is how it would go with this man. When we would finish he would ask if he was too rough and if I was okay, but he never put in the time or really the effort to try to get me off. He made sure he was good and hoped I was too.

How to Ruin Your Professional Life: Never, ever, be on time

I cannot tell you how often I was late for work. Numerous e-mails were sent out and yet I did not learn. I would stay on track for a couple of days after receiving an email but then I would fall back into my old habits of being late.

This started before my professional job. I was often late to school, family events, dance class, lunch with friends, you name it.  Outside of being late to actually events I was also a pro at turning in any school assignments late. I deserve an award for my procrastination.

The worst thing I was late for though? My own fathers funeral. Mind you, I was not excited to go to begin with so I was taking as much time as possible to get ready. But as everyone else was saying it was time to go I told them I needed a couple more minutes but would meet them there. Rather than running around to get to the church on time, I just kind of stopped moving. Some of you reading this might say that it was a defense mechanism or avoidance, but I really don’t think it went that deep in me. (My avoidance was not getting out of bed for the next couple months). Instead, I really thought I had more time. The funeral was at a church down the street from me and I had made this walk numerous times. But in my little head I truly believed I could make the walk in half the time, in heels of course. As I’m leaving my house I get a call from my mom asking where I am. Of course I lie and say I’m almost there rather than that I was locking up the house. I got there and only cause the funeral to be a few minutes behind schedule.

The only positive thing about me constantly being late? I know it’s my own fault. I wait until the last minute, trick myself into thinking I have more time, and then of course am proven wrong. But I always get by so I have yet to learn from my bad behavior.

Be a step above me on ruining your life though and do not acknowledge your responsibility in being late. Blame the others for allowing it to go on this long.

How To Ruin Your Romantic Life: Hookup culture

Never go home with a guy who only gives you compliments regarding your physical appearance. Or be like me and do. At the very least you’ll end up with some great stories to share over cookie dough with your best friends.

So let me start this off with the compliments I was given:

“I remembered that you had great legs… and a perfect vagina.”

Yes, ladies and gentlemen that is all it took for me to go home with this man. Mind you, I was already in his car and had mostly made up my mind of what our night together would entail. Now that you’ve had a chance to fully judge me let me give you a better back story before getting to the point where this night somehow got worse.

This is a guy, lets call him Dan, who I had met through Tinder. We had some good back and forth and he said he had cats so we decided to meet up for coffee to see if we could have a real life connection. I was nervous to meet him in real life, as this was my first time meeting someone from Tinder, but we ended up having a good wholesome time together. Dan was polite, courteous, had lived a fascinating life so far, and didn’t throw any of the corny pick-up lines at me or try to grope me. The night ended with plans to see each other again and I was definitely excited. We were able to hang out maybe once or twice more. We messed around those times but never had sex. I wanted to try getting to know Dan before fucking him. Silly me. Soon he started ghosting me. Using the old “I lost my phone” excuse to ignore our plans together. I am a very persistent person so I put in my time trying to give him second chances, giving him the benefit of the doubt for his excuses. Maybe his phone really did break or was lost 3 times in one month…

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I know. I can be pathetic. But hey this isn’t advice on how to win at life. Eventually I stopped trying to see Dan. I put in enough effort and he was not reciprocating so I finally realized he was not worth my time. Then a couple months go by and I get a Hey I miss you text. At first, I laughed it off and didn’t answer. But a couple weeks later the lethal combination of alcohol, loneliness, and horniness got the best of me and I answered at 2 in the morning. For some reason, Dan texted me back almost immediately. We quickly made plans for him to come pick me up ASAP.

Once in Dan’s car the extra romantic compliments previously mentioned were said. It had been a couple months so I am sure he wanted to remind me why he really started talking to me. He started with a mumble then made my little heart flutter with the words “I just remembered that you had great legs… and a perfect vagina.” Can a girl ask for more??? I think not! Luckily for him I thought it was funny and yes, sadly, still took it as a compliment.

We got back to his place and things immediately started heating up. We both knew where this night was going to end, sex. Hopefully really good sex but that was still up in the air. We rushed through foreplay, he put the condom on then we started fucking. Maybe two minutes into fucking he got this weird look on his face and stopped. At first I thought, hey maybe he came already. Luckily we have more condoms. So I asked him what was wrong. That’s when the night took a big shift. Dan started to tell me that he was upset because he didn’t feel like he has done enough for his age. He recently reached a milestone birthday and just was not satisfied with his life. Guess what Dan? I was also not satisfied with my life however, mid sex did not seem like the proper time to start to have this existential topic.

He had an existential crisis while inside me. INSIDE ME. MID THURST. Shortly after I realized what was happening I got up. Being the person I am though and still thinking he was an interesting guy I started talking to him. It took Dan a little bit to open up, which I personally found annoying. If he didn’t want to open up to me why stop fucking me to freak out about it. I was going to be moving soon so I told him “Since you’ll never see me again you can tell me anything.” That line worked. I held a mini therapy session for him while giving him a back massage. After he calmed down and came out of his crisis, he went to his computer and started messing around with it… across the room from me.

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After waiting what I believed was an appropriate amount of time, I finally asked Dan to take me home. Clearly we weren’t going to try for a round two and this kid didn’t give a shit about me to even ask how I was doing or offer a massage back. You could say it was one of my more awkward rides home. And no, we have not spoken since.

I learned that night the true power of my “perfect vagina.” I could cause men to question everything about their lives while inside me. Truly a more memorable night of mine.

 

 

How to ruin your life: a beginners note

Welcome to our journey of ruining our lives one day and one poor decision at a time. We are two young professionals (sort of) trying to figure out our way in the world and we’ve discovered that we make a lot of outrageous decisions. Our choices do not always give us the best outcome but we at the very least end up with an interesting story. So we want to help you change your life for the better or worse. Either follow along in our footsteps, embrace your mistakes (after some tears that is), or use our stories as lessons of what not to do. This is our new form of self-help and we hope you stay with us throughout the journey.

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