How to ruin your life: Let your mental illness win

This time my depression was triggered by learning that my grandma died. It doesn’t always have a trigger so I guess you can say I’m lucky this time because I know why it started. I am currently volunteering abroad so not only can I not see my family for a long time but I also cannot take a day off of my work. I mean, I technically can, but that means admitting weakness to those around me. It means letting them in enough to see that I am struggling and I am not comfortable with that idea.

But back to my depression. After I found out my grandma died I didn’t know exactly how to feel. I knew she would die soon, the curse of old age and all, so I have been mentally preparing. So I was sad but also relieved for her. But as the days have gone on I’ve felt that familiar feeling starting to take over. It starts small where my day just doesn’t seem great. Not that my day was bad just that it didn’t really matter because I didn’t feel much at all. Then I start to wake up in a numb mood. I know that I should feel something, even a negative feeling but instead it’s nothing. Nothing around me really matters. In fact the only thing that does matter is making sure no one notices that I do not feel normal.

I have to keep this facade up, trying desperately to remember what it feels like to feel. Then to recreate it with my every movement. One wrong twitch of the face and someone will start berating me with the same old never ending questions about how I’m feeling. I don’t want that.

But I’m also exhausted. Exhausted of life. Because as I’m pretending to feel my numbness fades. It only fades enough to let the despair in. Every time I have ever felt this way comes rushing back. All of a sudden I missy ex, the one who I swear I was over and happier without. My mind is playing tricks on me and telling me that if he was here I wouldn’t feel this way. If I had the love of someone else I would be fine. But I am all alone and all I can feel is the negative. And it is like I have always been this way. I switched so quickly back into this depressed state that maybe I never left it.

Luckily I’ve done this before and I know that’s not true. I know my mind is playing tricks on me. But I am exhausted. If only I can just sleep, then maybe I can sleep this off. Wave goodbye to the depression away in my dreams. Just like a cold, I need some time to rest and then I will be okay.

I keep attempting to use the tiny bit of energy I have left to tell myself no. I cannot sleep this away. That is the trick of depression, one of them at least. It tells me I need sleep and I’ll feel better but it’s a trap. I’ve gone down this road before and I know that if I stay home one day then it’s easier to stay home another and then a whole week. Because I just need “a little rest” to feel better. But soon I will be stuck to my bed fading in and out of numbness to pure sadness.

Depression is a trap. A bully of the brain. Telling me lies. And it happens within what seems like seconds.

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