Never go home with a guy who only gives you compliments regarding your physical appearance. Or be like me and do. At the very least you’ll end up with some great stories to share over cookie dough with your best friends.
So let me start this off with the compliments I was given:
“I remembered that you had great legs… and a perfect vagina.”
Yes, ladies and gentlemen that is all it took for me to go home with this man. Mind you, I was already in his car and had mostly made up my mind of what our night together would entail. Now that you’ve had a chance to fully judge me let me give you a better back story before getting to the point where this night somehow got worse.
This is a guy, lets call him Dan, who I had met through Tinder. We had some good back and forth and he said he had cats so we decided to meet up for coffee to see if we could have a real life connection. I was nervous to meet him in real life, as this was my first time meeting someone from Tinder, but we ended up having a good wholesome time together. Dan was polite, courteous, had lived a fascinating life so far, and didn’t throw any of the corny pick-up lines at me or try to grope me. The night ended with plans to see each other again and I was definitely excited. We were able to hang out maybe once or twice more. We messed around those times but never had sex. I wanted to try getting to know Dan before fucking him. Silly me. Soon he started ghosting me. Using the old “I lost my phone” excuse to ignore our plans together. I am a very persistent person so I put in my time trying to give him second chances, giving him the benefit of the doubt for his excuses. Maybe his phone really did break or was lost 3 times in one month…
I know. I can be pathetic. But hey this isn’t advice on how to win at life. Eventually I stopped trying to see Dan. I put in enough effort and he was not reciprocating so I finally realized he was not worth my time. Then a couple months go by and I get a Hey I miss you text. At first, I laughed it off and didn’t answer. But a couple weeks later the lethal combination of alcohol, loneliness, and horniness got the best of me and I answered at 2 in the morning. For some reason, Dan texted me back almost immediately. We quickly made plans for him to come pick me up ASAP.
Once in Dan’s car the extra romantic compliments previously mentioned were said. It had been a couple months so I am sure he wanted to remind me why he really started talking to me. He started with a mumble then made my little heart flutter with the words “I just remembered that you had great legs… and a perfect vagina.” Can a girl ask for more??? I think not! Luckily for him I thought it was funny and yes, sadly, still took it as a compliment.
We got back to his place and things immediately started heating up. We both knew where this night was going to end, sex. Hopefully really good sex but that was still up in the air. We rushed through foreplay, he put the condom on then we started fucking. Maybe two minutes into fucking he got this weird look on his face and stopped. At first I thought, hey maybe he came already. Luckily we have more condoms. So I asked him what was wrong. That’s when the night took a big shift. Dan started to tell me that he was upset because he didn’t feel like he has done enough for his age. He recently reached a milestone birthday and just was not satisfied with his life. Guess what Dan? I was also not satisfied with my life however, mid sex did not seem like the proper time to start to have this existential topic.
He had an existential crisis while inside me. INSIDE ME. MID THURST. Shortly after I realized what was happening I got up. Being the person I am though and still thinking he was an interesting guy I started talking to him. It took Dan a little bit to open up, which I personally found annoying. If he didn’t want to open up to me why stop fucking me to freak out about it. I was going to be moving soon so I told him “Since you’ll never see me again you can tell me anything.” That line worked. I held a mini therapy session for him while giving him a back massage. After he calmed down and came out of his crisis, he went to his computer and started messing around with it… across the room from me.
After waiting what I believed was an appropriate amount of time, I finally asked Dan to take me home. Clearly we weren’t going to try for a round two and this kid didn’t give a shit about me to even ask how I was doing or offer a massage back. You could say it was one of my more awkward rides home. And no, we have not spoken since.
I learned that night the true power of my “perfect vagina.” I could cause men to question everything about their lives while inside me. Truly a more memorable night of mine.
How To Ruin Your Life 